


The Disgusting Truth

by Kindoflostaround



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Dubious Consent, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 23:26:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13087653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kindoflostaround/pseuds/Kindoflostaround
Summary: Brendon was sixteen when he had sex for the first time. Ryan had taken him to his first party. It took forever for Ryan to get him to say yes, but he had finally cracked.





	The Disgusting Truth

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song Creep by Radiohead
> 
> Please be warned that this story could be very triggering for some of you guys. Know that your safety is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than reading this. Rape and self-harm will be mentioned all throughout this, and this first scene can be even more triggering so please just be careful.

Brendon was sixteen when he had sex for the first time. Ryan had taken him to his first party. It took forever for Ryan to get him to say yes, but Brendon had finally cracked.

Brendon's never met the person who was hosting the party but Ryan claimed he's good friends with the guy. When they got there, it was crowded. It was loud as hell and people were running in and out of the house. To people sitting on the footsteps to the house making out. Brendon felt himself blush, walking past them quickly. He heard Ryan laugh behind him. Inside wasn't much better.

Brendon thought homecoming or prom was bad, now that there weren't any people supervising it, it was chaotic here. It smelt of weed and alcohol. Brendon wasn't really a big fan of this scene. Brendon felt someone grab his hand, Ryan smiling wide at him pulling him through the crowd. "Come on! Let's do find something to drink!"

Brendon held his hand tight not wanting to lose him. Ryan grabs a beer and opens it handing it to Brendon. Brendon pushes it back to him cringing. "I've never drunk before."

Ryan hands it out to him again nudging him on with his famous bright smile. "Come on, B! Just one beer okay? Then we could dance or something."

Brendon thinks it over staring at Ryan who patiently stands there holding it out to him. Brendon signs taking it from him gulping it down. Coughing at the nasty taste in his mouth. Ryan laughing as he opens up one for himself.

Ryan was his best friend.

He met him when he was still in elementary school, he thought he was cool knowing he a had a friend who was a year above him. He's always been there for him as long as he could remember.

Brendon at some point realized when he got older that he really did love Ryan. He knew Ryan was straight and he didn't ever want to fuck up their friendship they had with his stupid feelings him but it never stopped Brendon from thinking about it. He remembers when Ryan told him that he had a girlfriend. Brendon could only pat his back and say he was happy for him.

He hoped it wasn't going to last long but it's been six months now and he didn't see it ending anytime soon.

He's happy that Ryan's happy though. That's all that mattered.

By Brendon's fourth beer, he already was feeling out of it. Ryan held him close when Brendon started to fall over.

"whoa, I got you."

Brendon laughed drunkenly leaning his head back. Looking up at Ryan against his chest. He can't believe he's lucky to have someone like him in his life.

Brendon wraps his arms around his shoulders leaning his forehead against Ryan not really thinking of what he's doing.

"You. You are so cute." Brendon laughs loudly almost tripping over his own feet.

Ryan tightening his hold on him. Brendon swore he saw Ryan blush shyly and look away but he could really focus even as he looked up at him. The walls felt like they were spinning.

He swore he saw Ryan look down at his lips then quickly looked away.

Brendon didn't know what he was doing but he was leaning down bringing their lips together. He couldn't stop himself from doing so.

They looked soft.

So soft against his.

Brendon was being sloppy with the kiss, Brendon feels a hand running through his hair deepening the kiss. Ryan was the one to pull away looking at him with an expression he couldn't pinpoint on. Brendon just smiled at him.

Ryan looked a lot soberer now as he pulls Brendon back into a kiss. Brendon didn't say anything. His body becoming limp as he let Ryan kiss down his neck.

"Fuck, I've  _always_  wanted to kiss you."

Brendon slurring his words, "me too."

"Do you want to go upstairs?"

Brendon pokes the tip of Ryan's nose. With a drunken smile not really paying attention to the words that are being said, "Okay!"

Ryan leads him up the stairs since he kept tripping and giggling.

Brendon wanted more beer.

Ryan opens a door, shutting it behind him. Brendon could have heard the door lock but he only paid attention to the bed. Laying down face first. He felt himself be pushed on his back, He takes the view of Ryan as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"You gonna have sex with me?"

Ryan leans over his starting to unbutton his pants. "Do you want me to?"

Brendon shrugged his shoulders. How the hell did they even get up the stairs again? He felt himself get more comfortable with the bed shutting his eyes. "'M never had sex– Ry?"

"Shhh, it's fine Bren.  _Just go to sleep_."

He couldn't open his eyes, they felt too heavy, he could feel more clothes being pulled off as his brain turns it's self in a dream state. Wake up now and then through the process.

¥•¥

Brendon didn't have words for when he heard Ryan get up out of the bed and throw up. He could hear him cursing at himself gagging in the toilet. He came back into the room and put his clothes back on in silent, he didn't make any eye contact what's so ever. As if he were to look at him he'd be turned to stone.

Brendon turns his head towards the ground seeing an open condom wrapper.

Brendon's whole body hurt, he felt a headache ready to show up any minute. He didn't remember much from last night but he knew enough to know that they definitely had sex. He hated how he couldn't remember.

He hisses in pain from his sore muscles. He tried to keep himself from blushing when Ryan offered a hand to help him up. Ryan helped him put his clothes back on when Brendon was struggling to.

That was his first time drinking last night so dealing with a hangover wasn't something he was familiar with. Ryan was taking it a lot better than he was.

He goes to set a hand on Ryan's shoulder as his pants were getting put on so he didn't fall when he lost his balance, but Ryan flinches away from him violently as his fingertips graze him. Brendon yanks his hand away as if he was burnt. Feeling embarrassed at even touching him.

The two of them are yet to say a word to each other.

When they got in the car Brendon could only look out the window. He was too nervous to look at Ryan. His anxiety was building in his chest when he didn't know what to do.

"I don't know what I did. . . but whatever I did. I'm sorry?" Rushing out quick not even sure at why he's apologizing, looking at Ryan waiting for a response.

His lips in a thin, Brendon could see a hickey right below Ryan's ear. Did Brendon leave that there or did Keltie leave? Brendon couldn't help but hope he did. "Ryan? Are you just–"

"what we did. . . What we did wasn't alright. We shouldn't have done that."

Brendon didn't say anything. He can't argue with something he wasn't sure what happened. He didn't know what he did.

"Jesus, fuck. What the hell were we thinking? What the hell  _were you thinking_?"

Brendon's head tilted in confusion. Brendon didn't do anything wrong at all. "What I was thinking? What the hell do you mean?" Brendon can't even remember half the shit he was thinking after he got drunk. Did Brendon do something to fuck up?

Ryan looked at him before looking back at the road. "You were the fucking one kissed me first last night, I didn't even want to fuck but you were practically dragging me up the stairs!"

"Drag you up the— Ryan? What the hell are you trying to say? I was drunk. I would have never done that to you if I was aware. That was the first time I even had sex or done anything like that with someone, I would have never done anything like that to you if I wasn't drunk. You should know this."

Ryan wasn't listening though. Ignoring Brendon like what he said wasn't important. It was, it was important to Brendon and he lost his virginity, and Brendon couldn't even remember.

"I'm not gay. I'm not into that shit. I-I have a girlfriend, and I love her. What we did. . . It was just disgusting."

Brendon was hurt at his words while looking at Ryan. He didn't mean for any of this to happen.

"I don't– I don't fucking want you, everything about last night was wrong. Where you even drunk or were you faking it?"

Brendon's head hurts way too much to deal with this right now and it's way too early for all this shit. "What are you saying,  _that I forced you_ to have sex with me?!"

Ryan didn't say anything, his hands gripping the steering wheel well tight that his knuckles were white. "I don't even know Brendon, all I could remember one moment we're talking and then the next we're upstairs."

Brendon felt sick to his stomach looking at Ryan. "Ryan. . . I love you. You're my best friend. Why would you ever say something like that? I would never in my life do anything to hurt you. You mean everything to me. Why the hell do you think I'd do that?"

Ryan turns to the side of the road. Slamming on the break. He turns to look Brendon dead in the eyes. "You're disgusting, understand? I'm not sure what the hell to think about any of this. All I know is best friends don't do what you did."

This was wrong.

Something was wrong, this wasn't Ryan. His Ryan would never say something like this. He has to be missing something.

For years Ryan as told him he was perfect how he was beautiful the way he was.

Yet, here he was telling Brendon he was disgusting.

His body was shaking too much and he felt trapped sitting in the car. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be anywhere anymore.

His heart was racing in his chest and he let his tears fall. He tried to quickly wipe them away but A sob leaves his throat as he holds a hand up to his mouth.

Ryan looks out the driver's window no longer making eye contact with him. "Get out." His voice didn't sound right. Like he wanted to say more.

"Ry-Ryan pl-please just–"

"Get out of my fucking car!"

Brendon gets out of the car slamming the door shut. Ryan already speeding off. Brendon yelling at the back of his car, "I didn't fucking rape you!"

Brendon couldn't hold himself up. Sitting on the sidewalk instead.

¥•¥

Brendon had to call his mom to pick him up. At first, he just walked, but fuck he felt like was going to pass out. With the pain, hangover, and sobbing.

He didn't even know where he was going, and it was only eight in the morning. When his mom pulled up beside him where he sat on the curb he climbed into the car.

"Brendon, I thought you were with Ryan what happened?"

At the sound of his name, Brendon couldn't help but start to cry again.

"Did someone hurt you?" She pulled Brendon into a hug, it is a bit difficult with the console in between them. That didn't stop her from hugging him though.

"I just want to go home."

Grace could see marks all over him and she was terrified that something bad had happened to her son. With bites on his shoulder and his bottom swollen. She couldn't think of anything else. "Can you talk to me please, just try." She holds his cheeks in his hand. Seeing just how broken he is.

"I'm not disgusting. I don't want to be called that."

She shakes her head. Kissing his forehead, "god no, Brendon. You aren't disgusting. What even made you think something like that?"

Brendon was hyperventilating trying to catch his breath. "I had sex with Ryan, and, and he said I was disgusting." His voice breaking at the end.

Her eyes wide in shock just as Brendon's were. "Ryan Ross? Your Ryan? The one that always comes over?" He nods his head.

She sighs shaking her head. "Listen to me, that asshole is wrong. I can't believe he said that to you. Not in a million years did I think he'd say something like that to you, put your seatbelt on."

Most of the ride home his mom was ranting about how she was disappointed in Ryan. How she always thought he liked Brendon, "I've seen the way that boy looks at you and I know how you looked at him! Your father looks at me all the time like that, I know when I see love! I just can't understand what the hell that kid was thinking."

When he got home, Brendon tells her everything else, even the part about him drinking. He couldn't help it he just needed to talk to someone. His mom was his best option. She was disappointed in that but she didn't bug him too much, or about him having sex. She just had asked, "you guys had protection, right?" Which he said yes to. The only reason how he knows that is because he saw the wrapper. It didn’t make him feel any better about the situation though.

She ran him a shower, promising to make him some coffee but not before handing him some aspirin and a cup of water. He sat on the closed toilet lid as the shower warmed up. "Mom."

She sets out a towel for him on the counter for him, "Yes, hun?"

He looks down in the cup of water. "You believe me, right?"

She bends down in front of him getting eye level. "Of course, I do, I don't see why he'd say that."

"I wouldn't do that to him, or anyone. What if he was telling the truth though, and I just can't remember?" He looked terrified at his mom. What kind of son was he?

"Brendon, look at me."

He avoids looking at her for a while before she calls his name again and he faces her.

"Do you think you did it?"

"No, I hope not, I love him way too much to hurt him in any way like that–"

"Then don't worry. Try not to think of any of that though. Take your shower, then go drink your coffee and chill. Your dad will be home soon." She stands up to leave the room.

"Please don't tell dad. . . About what happened he'll probably freak out on Ryan."

She scoffs and looks at him, "and who says I won't?" She smiles at him before stepping out and shutting the door.

He scrubbed his body tell his skin was bright red. With the shower water burning from him turning the heat up higher. As he sat on the tub floor with his feet up to his chest. His tears mixed with the shower water making it hard for him to tell if he really was crying.

¥•¥

His memory of last time slowly starting to fully return to him. Remembering Ryan barely taking sips of his drink. How he helped him up the stairs.

How he fucked him while he was barely conscious.

He remembers Ryan giving him more to drink. He Remembers stumbling up the stairs with Ryan's help.

Even if Ryan claimed that Brendon did it. Brendon knew who was actually taken advantage of. Ryan had a reason though. He had to have a reason for why he did what he did. It's because he liked him, right?

He was just confused.

Yeah, Brendon remembers. Ryan had said he always wanted to do this. Ryan probably didn't want people to know how he felt.

Not even Brendon. Does that mean Ryan also knew how he felt?

Brendon still felt dirty though. He didn't like how it happened.

He never wanted to lose his virginity like that. Ryan would never purposely hurt him though.

Even with telling himself that over and over. he still couldn't find himself falling asleep that night.

When he did he was quick to wake up from dreaming about it happening to him again and again.

He felt scared. He didn't know why though.

¥•¥

When Monday came and he had to go back to school he dreaded it. He begged his mom to let him stay home but she wouldn't allow it.

When the bell wrong for his second period to end. He grabs his bag walk down the hall.

"Brendon! Brendon! You fucking creep!"

When Brendon turned around it was too late to really give a reaction when he was slapped across the face. His hand goes up to his throbbing cheek.

As he looked up to see Keltie. Who didn't hold back before she slapped him for the second time. He heard gaps in the hallways, but nobody did anything to stop it.

"You're fucked up in the head! You really thought you were going to get away with what you did?!"

Brendon looked around to see people whispering to one another pulling their phones out as they contained to watch. Brendon didn't know what to say or do. "What are you talking about?"

Her hands against his chest shoving him against the lockers. "Ryan told me! He told me what you did at the party,  _you sick fuck_!"

"Keltie! Stop!"

Brendon watches Ryan push his way through the students trying to grab her hand but she yanks it away from him.

"No! He doesn't just get away with this! I Can't believe you were friends with someone like this. This... This disgusting sick person!"

It clicks in Brendon's head what was going on as he looked at Ryan with betrayal. "Tell her the truth, Ryan."

Ryan didn't say anything to him as he looked away which only made Brendon freak out more. "Why are you lying! Tell her the truth! Please!"

Keltie steps closer to him. With pointing fingers. "What truth? You're the only one lying!  _You're a rapist_  and you took advantage of Ryan at the damn party while  _he_  was drunk."

Brendon looked around again as everyone's shock turned into the same disgust that Keltie held on her face. Stop it, make it stop. He didn't do anything. You're wrong. That's not what happens! Someone say something! The truth!

"I didn't. I didn't do anything like that. I'm not like that!"

"Yes, you are! Why would Ryan lie about that?"

Why wasn't anyone helping him? Why isn't Ryan saying anything? What did Brendon do to deserve this?

He started to cry, looking at Ryan once again. With pleading eyes. "Please, Ryan. I remember. I know you think that you hurt me. I know that you think you should blame me instead to forgive yourself. I know. I forgive you. It's okay to like men too. Even if it's not me just please–"

"shut up! Ryan doesn't want you. Nobody does Brendon. You need help! You're disgusting!"

Two teachers finally step in sending the other students away. And bringing Keltie to the office. Brendon didn't take his attention from Ryan though, who didn't say a damn word.

Ryan looked at him with pity and turns to follow Keltie.

¥•¥

The rumors started after that day. The word of him sleeping with Ryan spread like a disease.

Brendon finds notes in his locker on a daily basis now calling him a rapist or a sick basted. Several other things that make him feel disgusting. He had a note that called him that too. He can't even walk down the hallways without someone throwing insults at him.

People didn't feel comfortable being around him, his own math teacher tries to keep a distance from him. He heard people take feel sorry for Ryan. How they hope he gets better, or that he wants Ryan to report Brendon. He's been called in the office with the school officer getting questioned on shit he hasn't even done. They just want to make sure he's okay though. Brendon doesn't think he'll ever be okay again.

Ryan still hasn't denied any of the rumors of what happened at that fucking party. He's seen what these people have said to Brendon. He's walked passed as students yelled the word rapist to Brendon.

Brendon doesn't think anyone of these people has heard his name besides when Keltie screamed his name in the halls. The only see him as a sick fuck. Maybe that's what he really was.

He remembers last month when his mom was crying after she found Brendon in his room with a blade in his hand and slashes on his thighs. She had been shaking as she started to cry and take it out of Brendon's hand.

"Oh god, Bren. Bren, baby  _what were you thinking?_ "

He felt numb, he felt empty and gross and didn't know what to do anymore. He's never done something like this before. He didn't know he was cable of self-harm.

Brendon was learning a lot of things he thought he wasn't cable of. His eyes were empty as Grace looked at him.

"Shit, I think you need stitches."

Brendon wasn't paying attention to what his mom was talking about. All he could think about was how gross he felt with himself. He lets out a loud sob leaves his throat making Grace jump from shock. Sitting beside her son laying his head on her shoulder.

"Boyd! Honey! Please come here!"

His father walks into his room taking in the scene. "Holy shit. Grace grab something to stop that blood. He's bleeding too much, I'm calling 911." She gets up grabbing a towel that was on the floor warping it around his thigh.

"Mom, I can't take it anymore."

He could hear his father on the phone in the doorway. As his mom was back to holding him. Generally rocking him back and forth. He felt light-headed.

"I hate everything."

That night had gone terribly.

He spent his whole night in the hospital on suicide watch and having different people called in his room to talk to him.

He spent only a week in metal institution crying his way out of leaving early when they thought of keeping him in longer. That week was the most peace he got in a long time.

When he came back to school it was like he never left. Same shit. When he first got back home and was able to his phone he had over ten missed calls and even more text messages.

All from Ryan. He didn't bother to even look at them before deleting them.

¥•¥

Brendon's senior year was better, it wasn't perfect or special like everyone made it seem. It was much better now that Ryan wasn't there anymore along with his friends and girlfriend.

Nobody really did fully stop talking about what happened though. He didn't have anyone to talk to since Ryan used to be his closest friend and he just hung out with him and his other friends.

That stopped a long time ago though. Brendon's hates how lonely he had become, but now it was normal. He met someone recently though, someone that was different and that didn't think he was a terrible person.

His name was Dallon Weekes. He was a new student in his senior year. Brendon thought he was gorgeous. A lot taller than Ryan.

The first time they talked to each other was when PE was over and Brendon was changing back to his normal clothes once he checked that nobody else around before he allowed himself to take off his shorts.

"Oh my god!"

Brendon looked up to see Dallon standing there. He looked down at himself to see his thick scars in full view. He pulled his shirt back up looking pissed off, "were you watching me fucking change?!"

He was quick to put his hands up in defense shaking his head. "No! I forgot to grab my backpack!" He sighs, his hands falling back down to his side. "My names Dallon."

Brendon sits down on the bench. "Brendon. Did you see?"

Dallon nods his head, his face bright red. "That's okay, they're really pretty." He takes a seat beside Brendon. Brendon turned to look at him, only to get a smile.

Dallon was gorgeous, especially his eyes. His voice was gentle, and he didn't call Brendon a weirdo like others do when they see them. "Really?"

Dallon sets his hand on his thigh. "Yeah, is it okay if I see them again?"

Brendon was quick to say yes. As long as Dallon didn't go away. He seemed sweet. He pulled his shorts down to his knees to show him. Both of his upper thighs were scarred, some of them smaller, larger, thicker. Some of them healed looking like cat scratches. Some of them were a few days fresh.

It depended on what type of mood he was in. They were never in an order, it was harsh like he cut at whatever spot he had that wasn't filled. He was disgusting.

"Wow, can I feel them?"

He smiles at Dallon, even though his focus were only on his cuts. "If you want to."

He traced them with the tips of his fingers. They had time. This was their last class.

Dallon told him that he had scars too. Unlike Brendon, Dallon kept his on his stomach. He told Brendon how sometimes it was too much for him to deal or he had a problem with harming himself. Dallon said he has a fear of being forgotten and how currently that's all he ever feels like.

Dallon never saw someone else with cuts and scars like Brendon's before. When Brendon said he thought his scars were ugly, Dallon just shook his head. "No, they're perfect. You might not think that now, but in a fucked-up way they are."

Brendon thought Dallon was perfect.

He hopes Dallon feels the same way.

¥•¥

Dallon helped. Whenever Brendon felt depressed and ready to end it all. He was quick to talk to him, and tell him just how important he was.

He'll never forget when Dallon met him at his locker. How someone walked passed them shouting, "I'd stay away from him, he might rape you too!"

Brendon saw how pissed Dallon got to where he had to stop Dallon from beating the kid's ass dragging him into the closest bathroom to calm him down.

"Dallon, it's fine I'm used to it."

He's told Dallon what happened. What really happened at that party. There was a night when they sat on the phone a night when Dallon called to say he relapsed.

They talked and talked.

Dallon's heard the rumors about the school. He knew before he first talked to Brendon, but Brendon told him the truth.

The real truth of what happened that night. Ever since then he hated how Brendon didn't say anything when people who say shit like that to him.

"You don't deserve any of that shit. If I ever met that Ryan Ross I would punch him in the face."

Brendon smiled shyly, he liked how Dallon got protective of him. He wished he had met him a lot sooner than he did.

He pulled him by his arm to stop him from anxiously walking back and forth. Dallon starred at him with sad eyes. Ryan had never looked at him like this. With this much care and concern, he did at some point. That didn't matter though.

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're important, I might not have known you for as long as I wish I could but you're very important to me. I don't like when people I care about are hurting. I know how it feels to hurt and I don't like when you feel it."

Brendon leaned up kissing Dallon's cheek. He'd kiss him but he would feel like he would be tainting something pure. Dallon blush hiding his face into his neck.

"Thank you for caring Dallon."

"Don't thank me."

He felt Dallon's lips graze his neck.

He really liked Dallon. He didn't want to though. Fear still in his heart that he didn't deserve to be happy.

He couldn't tell.

¥•¥

Ryan came over to his house two weeks later. Brendon was pulling up to the driveway coming back from Dallon's house.

He hasn't seen him since his junior year ended. He wanted to keep it that way. When he saw him knocking on the door he didn't know if it was really him at first, tell when he turned around, looking at him while he stepped out of the car silently.

"Bren, hey, how are you?"

Brendon looked at him with a blank expression. Not bothering to say a word. He remembers when his heart used to speed up when he saw his face.

How he'd get nervous or blush. He couldn't express that anymore. He didn't want to see his face.

"You need to leave." Was what he said walking past him. Finding the right key to his house.

Ryan walked quickly to stand in front of him, to keep him from the door.

"I-I've just really missed you, Brendon. I know I fucked up big time but I remember you saying that you forgive me, right?" He was getting loud. His words spoke with desperation to talk. Brendon didn't want to talk about it.

"Forgive you? I fucking hate you! You destroyed me! Every day gets worst because you couldn't tell the truth! You blamed me for something you did!" Brendon was crying as he shouting at Ryan.

The Ryan he loved more than anything. Someone he trusted more than anything, had been the one to fuck his whole life up. How could he stand here sayings he's sorry now after everything that has happened? He had stood there silently as his girlfriend yelled in his face that he was a rapist.

That's what he gets.

For what? He keeps having to ask himself why this happened.

Brendon didn't pull away when Ryan pulled him into a hug. Brendon could barely think with how bad he was shaking. Sobbing against Ryan's shoulder.

"I know, baby. I know. It's all my fault. I was just so scared because I love you. I didn't know what to do. So, I took you to that party and let you get drunk. When you kissed me. . . When you kissed me, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn’t have stopped myself. I should have took you home, but I didn't."

Brendon held him tighter as he hears the truth. The truth he's been waiting for. Why couldn't he say that when Keltie was yelling at him. When Brendon begged him in tears to speak up.

Why couldn't he fucking say that when every day he saw how people treated him less than human. He had so many opportunities; to tell the truth. Brendon hated how easily he fell into this trap.

"I love you, Brendon. I love you so much it hurts."

Ryan himself not able to hold his own tears back, "I've said so many terrible things to you that night, and I was just pissed at myself for what I did to you."

He was glad that his parents weren't home right now. He had no idea how he'd be able to explain any of this to them.

He hated how when Ryan's hand went under his chin he didn't stop him when he kissed him. A simple kiss turning into a heated make out.

He wondered what Dallon would think about him when he finds out. After he just left his house talking about a future relationship with each other.

Talking about how they would wait for each other a little longer so Brendon could figure himself out.

He couldn't do this to him.

He put a hand up to Ryan's chest pushing him away gently, his cries quieting down.

"Why are you saying this now? What'd you wait so long?"

"Me and Keltie broke up recently and it really had me thinking how much–"

Brendon laughs bitterly. " _Fuck you_ , Ryan. It took you to lose your girlfriend to realize how much you fucked up. Now that your girl isn't there for you to fuck, you love me now?"

"I didn't come here to have sex with you."

"Why because I'm disgusting? I'm a rapist?  _A creep? Everything else that people call me!_ "

He was fine before, he was dealing.

He was getting better now that he had Dallon and he didn't feel the need to die every day. Ryan is in front of him right now, he remembers every terrible thing everyone has done to him last year. Flashback of all the pushing and the shoving. People whispering about him in class as if he wasn't there.

"I was wrong. Brendon, I'm sorry–"

"it's too fucking late Ryan. I can't trust you anymore."

Ryan took his keys off of Brendon's hands. Unlocking the door for him. Knowing which one it is still even after being gone for so long. He helped Brendon into his house sitting him on the couch. Brendon wipes his eyes.

"I love you. I know it's hard for you to believe but I do. More than anything. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."

Brendon kicks his shoes up bring his feet up to his chest. "How?"

Ryan moved closer to him on the couch his hand on his cheek.

"Let me  _show_  you?" Ryan was an angel. His skin made him cry.

He hates how he tells him yes. His mind clear of any liquor this time as Ryan kisses him again. Brendon doesn't stop him this time. Not when he takes off his shirt or when Ryan takes off his own.

Ryan sees the scars on Brendon's legs. He doesn't say they're beautiful like Dallon did. Doesn't ask to touch them. He doesn't say anything. Brendon watches to see his reaction but all he could see was his stare too long at them. Brendon wanted to be special. He wanted real love, someone that wanted him for him. He'll never get that though. Nobody wants something soiled and disgusting like him.

Ryan took his wallet out, digging in it revealing a condom.

Brendon wondered if he planned this before he came over. Not even when Ryan fucked him for the second time was he gentle with him. Not that Brendon could really feel everything, he didn't like it.

Ryan's hands were rough when he pushed fingers inside Brendon. Not having lube, he had to use his spit. His thrusts weren't any better.

They were hard and his back hurt from laying on the couch.

Not even a minute went pass before Ryan's pulling out and saying, "You should get on your hands and knees."

His heart throbbed in his chest as he turned around on the couch. Nothing but his shirt on. He's glad Ryan didn't want to look at him.

He's disgusting.

¥•¥

Ryan was quick to leave when they were done. Déjà vu hits him. When Ryan didn't say any words to him as he put his clothes on.

Brendon would only think about Dallon and just how much this could hurt him. Brendon didn't move from the couch.

He felt filthy.

Still, after all these months, he let Ryan destroy his life. Ryan isn't capable of love. Brendon's is yet to figure out what he did to deserve any of this.

¥•¥

Brendon grabbed his phone as soon as Ryan left. He already had texts from Dallon asking if he had gotten home okay, or he regretted the conversation they had. Brendon only felt guiltier.

He pushes call.

"Hello?"

Brendon still lied naked on the couch. His come drying on his chest and the sore of his lower back starting to come in. He held his phone with shaking hands up to his ear. So many thoughts are going through his mind, all he wanted to do was escape. "Dallon, I really need to see you right now." His voice struggling to form words.

Dallon was quick to respond, he could hear some noises on the other side of the phone. "Okay, I'm on my way. What are you doing now?"

Dallon obviously trying to distract him from his own thoughts. Brendon laid his head on the arm of the couch.

"Laying down."

Brendon could hear Dallon yelling out to his mom that he was leaving, "Laying down where? Talk to me."

"I'm lying on the couch. Dallon, I really fucked up." Brendon finishes with a loud sob.

"I'm getting in the car now okay. You haven't taken anything or hurt yourself in any way, have you?"

Brendon's been thinking about it, he's trying to keep his thoughts on talking with Dallon but he kept thinking of the feeling of when he slides his blade down his thigh. He wants to do bad.

"No."

"Are you thinking about hurting yourself."

Brendon squeezes his eyes tight tell he sees white. His chest hurts, and fuck, it's getting hard to breathe. "Brendon, talk to me, please. I need to make sure you’re safe till I get there. Have you been thinking about hurting yourself?"

"Yes. . . I can't stop thinking about it, Dal."

"Where are your parents?"

"They- they aren't home. It's just me."

"Do you remember what we taught each other?"

Brendon's shaky hands lock together holding them tight to his chest. Dallon and him started to do this when they had the argue to self-harm or do anything worst.

They both made a choice of whenever they got the urge they would lock both their hands together and hold them up to their chest without moving them; tell they either talked to each other about it or calmed down on their own to the point of losing the urge.

They're trying to get better at not harming themselves. Right now, Brendon feels he might break the deal this time.

"Are you doing it?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'm so proud of you. I'm almost there, and we can talk together and watch movies. I'll try to make everything as best as I can for you."

Hearing Dallon talks to him is already slightly calming him. Even if he is talking to his like a small child who just fell. Dallon's words mattered to him. Dallon cared and wanted Brendon for who he was not bothered with how fucked up he really was.

What did Dallon get for that? The person he likes fucking someone else because he was too weak to say no.

"Bren. I just want you to know if I didn't tell you when you were over, but you're important. Especially to me."

¥•¥

Brendon watched the front door knowing Dallon was on the other side. It didn't take long for his to show up, but Brendon had anxiety from still being naked. His hands still locked together to his chest. Dallon banged on the door again.

"Brendon! Brendon open the door!"

Brendon couldn't convince himself to get up. The door is slammed open. Dallon looked as if he just ran a mile. His eyes wide looking around tell they lock on Brendon. He shuts the door behind him. Slowly walking over to him. He crotches right in front of Brendon. Only worry fills his eyes as he unzips his sweatshirt setting it on Brendon's body.

Dallon wasn't stupid he could smell the sex in the air. Brendon only got like this when it comes to Ryan or when he has nightmares about what happened to him.

Dallon didn't look mad.

He didn't look disappointed at Brendon. He only pushed his hair back against his forehead. Using his other hand to pull Brendon's hands apart so he could hold his hand. Brendon having a strong grip on him. "I'm here now. Was it Ryan?"

Brendon nods his head. "I hated it so much though. This time was worst knowing I wasn't drunk. How could he say he loves me? How he thought just apologizing could fix everything. After everything, I've been through, and just fuck me then leave like I'm nothing. What's going to stop him from telling people 'I raped him' when they find out again? Everyone already sees me as a creep."

"I'm here this time and I will make every person believe the truth if he says something. He's such a stupid asshole who wants to fuck everyone else's happiness up."

Dallon pulls Brendon to sit up. His sweatshirt slipping off of Brendon's shoulders. Dallon didn't bat in an eye at Brendon's body. Only focusing on his eyes. "Let's get you cleaned up okay? You still thinking about hurting yourself?"

"Yeah, but now that you're here with me, I feel like I could actually breathe. I could breathe when I'm with you."

Dallon smiles shyly at him before picking Brendon up from the couch. His hands under his knees. Brendon feels the heat on his cheeks when Dallon carries him to the bathroom. He sets Brendon on the toilet seat.

Turning the shower on for him. When the shower was ready Brendon got in not bothering to stand up. "Dal?"

"Yes?"

"Will you get in here with me? I just. . . I need to be closer to you."

"Do you want me to keep my clothes on?"

"No. Only if you're comfortable with it–"

"it's okay. I'm fine with it."

When Dallon got in he sits behind Brendon. Brendon reached back for Dallon's hand. Dallon holds Brendon close to him. "I know this may sound like a bad time to say this but, you really are pretty. Being next you like this. It makes my heart speed up."

Brendon didn't say anything which probably made Dallon nervous because he started to stutter out an apology only for Brendon to shake his head. Shushing him.

"Don't. Don't apologize. You make my heart speed up too. I just don't want to fuck what we have up. I think the more I spread time with you I might just fall in love with you and that really scares me. I'm scared to be hurt again."

"We'll keep taking is time then. Whatever you need. Just keep opening up to me like you have been. It helps me, help you. And for the record, I might just fall in love with you too. How could I not?"

Brendon leaned back against Dallon. "Because I'm disgusting. When he had sex with me he didn't even want to look at me."

Dallon reaches for the conditioner putting a bit on Brendon's hair. Massaging his head. "I wish I can get you to stop thinking that. You might have scars and cuts or have the dumb ass people at our school that would do anything for attention even if that means hurting you or me. I've been called some pretty shitty things too. I might not bring it up but I do.

"None of that makes you disgusting though, not a damn thing. If we ever did anything together I promise I'll look at you. I'll look at you like how you're supposed to be looked at. I'll show you."

"You have to actually keep this promise. You can't say stuff like that and not mean it."

Brendon leans his head forward into the water once Dallon removes his hand. Rising it all out.

"I do mean it."

Brendon wasn't sure why but he started to cry again. It didn't hurt his chest either. They sat in the shower and Brendon felt so much better with Dallon holding him.

Dallon didn't go home after they got out of the shower. Had to call his parents again and explain how Brendon couldn't be alone tonight.

Dallon held on to what he said about watching movies. Brendon didn't want to go back to the living room and he didn't have a TV in his. They laid in Brendon's bedroom with only boxers sitting in the dark.

Dallon held Brendon in his arms with his phone propped up on his chest so they could both see the tiny screen. Dallon cleaned the couch for him and tossed the clothes Brendon had on before in the washer.

When Brendon's parents came home that night, his mom had gone into his room to check up on him not surprised to see Dallon there who fell asleep before the movie ended.

She leans against the door looking at her son, "You okay?"

"As okay as I can be."

"I love you, Brendon."

"I love you too, Mom. Where's dad?"

"Getting ready for bed, but he loves you too. Get some sleep okay. Next time at least give me a heads up you're having company."

Brendon tells her he will. She shuts the door quietly. Leaving Brendon back in the dark. The only thing that helped Brendon fall asleep that night was hearing Dallon's even breaths and his body against his.

He doesn't wake up in the middle night from thoughts about the party. He sleeps soundly through the night.

¥•¥

"You and Ryan had sex?"

Brendon rolls his eyes from where he sat. Looking down at his hands in his lap. "That's what I said." His therapist clears her throat like she's reframing from saying something else. "I thought you said you never wanted to have sex again after that time."

"I did say that. I didn't want to have sex with him then. It just happened. I was crying and he said that he loved me and wanted to show me. I let him have sex with me, and I hated it,"

She sits up in her seat looking at Brendon. She probably thinks he's a weirdo for it.

Brendon kept talking,

"I hate that I fell for it. He still hasn't texted me and that happened a week ago."

"Have you tried texting him?"

"God no. I don't want to. Every time I think about him or am around him, I feel like I'm dying."

"Do you think it has something to do with that night? You told me how Ryan finally told you he was sorry for what he did to you."

"He isn't sorry! I remember waking up the next morning and him calling me disgusting in the car. Saying, 'Best friends don't do what you did.' He's right, best friends don't. He looked me in the face and called me disgusting and said nobody would ever want me,"

Brendon was sick of crying. All he ever did was cry about everything. He hated it. He hated everything. He wipes his eyes trying to cover up the pain. He should be over this. He shouldn't think about it.

"He lied to everyone saying I'm a rapist. I'm not a rapist, he is!"

Brendon would have never said yes to having sex with Ryan if he wasn't drunk that night. He wouldn't have had sex with him even knowing just how much he liked him then. He had nightmares of the same moments. He didn't understand why he did.

He never told Ryan no that night. He couldn't explain why ever since that fucking party why he was terrified to go to sleep.

"He is," Brendon repeats, quietly. "I didn't know what I was doing. I wanted him, for years, I did. I never wanted him like that.  _Ever_. I get so scared sometimes when I even think about him. Like he's going to hurt me again."

"Have you ever thought that those weren't nightmares all those times? That maybe you have been having PTSD from what happened?"

She hands Brendon a few napkins to wipe his nose. Talking softly to him. "I didn't tell him to stop though. I let him."

"Did you? Brendon, you were highly intoxicated. You yourself said you would have never had done that if you were aware. Is that true?"

"Y-yes." Brendon's brain felt fried from thinking about all of this. He's known Ryan for years. Why would he ever do something like this? He didn't want to call him a rapist.

He had to have had a reason –  _no_  – Brendon needed to stop making excuses for him. He thinks and thinks and then, "he could have stopped himself. He should have taken me home, but he didn't. I remember him saying something like that to me that morning

"That piece of shit took me up those fucking stairs and fucked me even after I passed out. Then told everyone I was the one that took advantage of him."

Brendon lets out a bitter laugh.

¥•¥

When Brendon left the office, and was back in his car he slammed his hands against his steering wheel several times.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

He sits his forehead on the wheel breathing hard. His heart beating out of his chest. He didn't belong here.

He says, "What's wrong with me?"

He tells himself, "I don't belong here."

He just wanted to crawl up into a ball and sleep for the rest of his life. He sits in the parking lot for a while letting himself breath before driving away.

¥•¥

Brendon sat crisscross applesauce. Dallon's shirt pushed up on his chest. Brendon didn't go home after his appointment with his therapist. He went to Dallon's house picking him up. Dallon had left his house with blankets and pillows in his arms. It was only two in the afternoon. It was a nice day out and Brendon just wanted to be outside. He felt trapped if he were to go to his house.

Brendon drove around with Dallon for a while. He told Dallon everything that happened at his appointment. Dallon had to make him pull over to the side of the road to let Dallon drive instead when Brendon started having trouble with breathing. Dallon held Brendon's shaky hand as he continued to drive around not keeping track at where he was going.

Brendon didn't miss a beat to continue where he left off in their conversation. Dallon found a nice field for them to hang out on. Brendon grabbing the blankets and pillows. Dallon parks the car for them. The two of them making a nice pallet for them to lay on.

Which explains what they're doing now. Dallon's arms throw over his eyes as Brendon traces a small scar right above his bellybutton.

"Do you think Ryan's actually sorry?"

Dallon moves his hand to look at Brendon. "I hope he is. I still never met that asshole, so I wouldn't really know, but by the way, he treated you recently. I can't believe him."

Brendon lays down on his back beside Dallon. Turning his head to look at him. "I'm proud of you, you know? I see that you haven't cut at all."

Dallon smiles proudly at him blushing. "I've got you. I really want to get better with this, especially for you."

Brendon bites his lip, fully turning on his side to look at Dallon. "You're the only person I don't feel disgusting around. You don't look at me like something wrong with me."

Dallon turns on his side as well. Dallon looked gorgeous. The first time Brendon met Dallon he thought he was gorgeous. Nothing has changed, over the months that he's gotten to really know Dallon. If anything, he's become more gorgeous.

"Nothing's wrong with you. You've been hurt, and you're recovering from all that still. Nothing wrong with you for being broken. I'm broken too. We're like each other's hot glue. We're helping each other through it. One piece at a time."

Brendon could only smile. "Will you do something for me?"

"Of course."

"Have you ever kissed someone before?"

Dallon's eyes wide blushing shaking his head. "N-no"

"Will it gross you out if I kissed you right now? Knowing someone else has?"

Dallon frowns at him. "You'll never gross me out."

Brendon sets his hand on the side of Dallon's face leaning his nose against Dallon's. "Does that mean I can?" Brendon whispers against his lips.

"Please."

Brendon was slow when their lips met. General kisses and clumsy lips. To others, they would have looked weird. To Brendon, it was as if he was being kissed for the first time. How his first kiss was supposed to go. Dallon made everything right.

Dallon most have thought the same. When he pulled away from Brendon he couldn't stop smiling. He hugged him close to his chest. Giggling quietly. Brendon joined him.

"How was your first kiss?"

Dallon kissed Brendon's cheek before laying back down on his back. "Amazing. How was yours?"

Brendon laid beside him locking those hands together. He couldn't explain how pleased he is with hearing Dallon say that. Couldn't explain how happy it made him. "It was amazing too."

The breeze was nice and he felt like he could breathe.

¥•¥

When Brendon turned twenty-three things have become a lot different than when he was sixteen, seventeen or eighteen. He didn't think he didn't deserve to be happy. He felt okay with being in his own skin.

Despite the scars on his body he no longer thought they were ugly. He understands why Dallon had always thought they were pretty. To Brendon, it showed he was a survivor.

From it being rape or bullying, depression. He was a survivor of pain he never thought he'd get through. After high school, Brendon would have never thought he'd make it to where he was now. After he had faced what really happened to him it was difficult for him to cope. Even Dallon had struggled with helping him. Dallon still had not once turned his back on him though. He held his hand through it all.

Brendon could never understand how Dallon was able to do any of that with himself facing his own depression and pain. When Brendon was nineteen he met with Ryan again. Dallon didn't want him to, but that was something Brendon had to do. He made sure he was in public place full of several people at a small cafe where they sat outside.

He'll never forget how Ryan broke down crying. How his body shook and how he struggled to breathe. People walked pass looking. They saw the Angel cry and apologized for his disgusting lies. He was an idiot. A man that Brendon thought he knew who he trusted. Ryan wishes he could have taken back what he did. Brendon's PTSD has gotten better. He doesn't think it'll ever fully go away but Dallon does help.

When Brendon looked at Ryan sitting there, out to the world as people watched him cry as he called himself a rapist. Brendon thinks of his seventeen self-belong yelled at my Keltie in the hallways. While everyone looked. He had wished Dallon was here to see this. Brendon reached over the table to his hand over Ryan's. Ryan had looked up at him with hurt and sorrow. Repeating how he'll turn himself in if Brendon would just say the word. Brendon's hand felt ice cold against Ryan's. These hands. Theses sinful hands of Ryan's.

"I don't think I'll ever fully forgive you. I just can't see it happening. We'll never ever be close again. I might call you after nights will have from wake-up dreaming of what you did to just to scream at you. We'll see. I wish you the best in life but I swear to god if I ever hear your name from another women or man saying you hurt them I'll hunt you down and kill you myself."

When Brendon left he didn't cry. He let a breath of relief and he felt like he wasn't going to die. He wasn't scared. When he had gotten home to his and Dallon's small cheap apartment. He had told Dallon to make love to him. "I'm ready." He told him.

Dallon was slow with him. Brendon held his hand as Dallon pushed into him. Prepped open slowly, Dallon had said he loved him. Brendon wrapped his legs around his waist and held him close to his chest. Wanting his full weight on him. "I love you so much, Brendon. You're beautiful" Dallon didn't take his eyes of Brendon, his mouth slack at the pleasure.

Brendon never felt so much love in his life. He moaned loud like never before. He didn't want this feeling to stop. "Keep going- ah! Ughh, Dallon." Dallon didn't speed up. Thrusting in and out of Brendon with such meaning. Neither of them last longer. Dallon still being in him after coming trying to catch his breath.

Kissing Brendon's neck. Brendon had whispered, "I love you too. Don't forget that."

That was the first time Dallon had ever had sex, that night was the first time Brendon had actually wanted it.

"What are you thinking about?" Brendon snaps out of his thoughts looking up at Dallon how was smiling at him. "How much I love you."

Brendon's arm was yanked by Penny's lash as she was sniffing around the grass. She was a gift form Dallon when he was twenty. She helped too. Dallon smiles kissing the top of Brendon's head squeezing a bit at his hand he was holding.

"I love you too, baby."

Brendon didn't feel disgusting anymore.

He wasn't a creep.

He was Brendon.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos & comments would mean a lot! 
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](https://littlebrallonqueen.tumblr.com/)  
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